Or, in other words, why I find myself wishing I never committed myself to my wife. Really, I was already screwed long before we tied the knot in May of 2008. Hell, one of my college friends, the one who brought me to see her when we first got together in May of 2002, warned me on the way back to college that trip that I wouldn't be able to get out of the relationship easily. Funny how that just came back to me as I write here today.
The first reason, which only comes first because my second point makes no sense without it, is the simple fact that mine is a sexless marriage. And just like how the ball and chain feeling predated the wedding day, so did my knowledge that sex just wasn't going to happen. I knew for years beforehand of my wife's Vaginismus, though I only put a name to the problem later on in our relationship. At first it was just "oh, she's just having a hard time dealing with the pain of tearing her hymen" or "oh, I must just have a really stubborn hymen". Honestly, I wish it really WAS a physical problem, because the reality, that vaginismus is more of a psychological refusal to let a penis, or anything, in her case, since the one time she went to a Gyno that I know of, the doctor couldn't examine her at all, into her vagina. And I just can't help but think, despite that experience, that maybe it's not just a refusal of any penis by her PC muscles, but a refusal of MY penis. And while we have discovered . . . alternatives to sex, "outercourse" just doesn't really do it for me any more, so much so that whenever we get intimate, the experience invariably ends with me "finishing myself off". And an afterthought: Vaginismus is highly treatable. I even spent 100 dollars at one point for a kit that was intended to allow for self treatment (as we certainly didn't have the money for sex therapy, and I'm 99.9% sure she wouldn't have gone for it anyhow). And she keeps claiming that she's working on it, and trying to get over it, but I know that she isn't doing anything to address the underlying psychological issue that is causing it for her (which is a large part of said kit) which means her attempts are futile. I'm perfectly willing to help her with it, but you can't help someone who is unwilling to help themself. . . funny, I think that line may be popping up again shortly . . . anyhow . . .
The second, and in my current line of thinking (if you can call this insanity "thinking") most important problem I have with being attached to this woman is that since she and I cannot have sex, by extension we can't have kids. Technically, splash pregnancy is possible, but extremely unlikely, both due to Murphy's law (which in this case basically says that only people who have alternative sex to avoid getting pregnant will get pregnant via alternative sex), but also because I have a strong hunch that she not only has Vaginismus, but also Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Admittedly, the evidence of it is weak, mostly going on the fact that her period is highly irregular to the point that she sometimes misses YEARS at a time, but even if she doesn't actually have PCOS, all of the missed periods still mean missed fertility. Realistically, neither condition is her fault, and I know that. And PCOS certainly isn't something that could be solved with self help books and dialators, and we can't afford medical treatment. So ultimately, it isn't her fault that we can't get pregnant, but even reminding myself of that, I can't help but blame her for my barren status, albeit I don't do it out loud. And hey, for all I know I could be completely sterile, too. While I'm pretty sure neither of my birth parents had reproductive issues (as it seems that most unwanted pregnancies would be a product of healthy reproductive systems), its not unheard of for adopted kids to have issues, as I've personally known at least one such person.
Really, those first two issues are the big ones, (and as I mentioned, the sex problem is mostly just background for the reproductive problem, as I'm not even sure I CARE about the sex) but I told myself that I was going to get everything out, so I'll keep going, and will add to this as I think of things.
Third, she has no apparent interest in helping provide for our "family" (we've always called our pets the children, something I imagine is common among many pet owners, though the bitter irony is a slap in my face, nonetheless). When we met, she was in school to become a Physics teacher. When I graduated from Engineering school, she graduated from Teaching school. When I finally got my first engineering job, she was substitute teaching for a few districts in the area. As the years passed. . . she was still a substitute teacher. When I got laid off in 2008, she actually did have a full time position at a not-so-local school, but soon after was driven away from teaching by the experience. At the time, she told me she wanted to become a Veterenary Assistant, and I told her, in spite of the fact that our only income at the time was my UI benefits and her teaching income, that I would support her unconditionally. And so she left the teaching job and went back to subbing while she explored her options. Three years later, she's still subbing for about what I make per day slinging meat at a grocery chain. When she gets called. When school is in session. As far as I can tell, she isn't even looking for a job any more. Meanwhile, our debt continues to mount between the $10k in credit card debt she racked up while she was getting her BS, the pile of loans it took for her to get that BS, the further pile of loans it took for us to pay for her MS, the $400 a month car loan we took out for "her" car, and, admittedly, a $1,200 credit card debt wracked up in my name that is now being collected via a garnishment of my pitiful wages. Oh, and PS, she insists on taking one day off per week when she's subbing . . . because god forbid she actually works 5 days a week like I, and most people, have for my entire employed life. I know I said I would support her no matter what, but how can I possibly support what she isn't actually doing?
The fourth thing is really stupid, and is my own damn fault, but I said I'd put everything here. I feel like I was robbed of the experience that most people have of dating different people and "playing the field". I've only ever dated two women, and only ever had sex with one person. I realize that this was my own damn fault, because I let myself believe that no woman would ever be interested in me, and surprise surprise, the first woman who I ever realized WAS interested in me became my first girlfriend. I even turned down an invitation to my senior prom (an event I skipped entirely) because I thought it was more of a pity offer than anything. I later found out that I was completely wrong, and in fact really hurt the feelings of that girl by turning her down (no doubt largely because I obviously didn't have other plans). And I also later developed feelings for that woman, which I have never really gotten over, to be honest, not that I'd ever be able to explore those feelings even if I DID end up leaving my wife, as that woman is married, herself, and while I hesitate to call it a happy marriage, I know that their unhappiness, unlike mine, is fuelled by circumstances which are more or less beyond their control (military service), and that once his service is complete, or at least he gets stationed somewhere she can join him, they will live happily together.
Ok, being honest with myself here, lets just call my unresolved feelings for that woman number 5.
Number six (and while I'm not actually trying to order things by importance, I'm sure its revealing that this is so far down the list) is our huge lack of communication, another thing that I take the lion's share of the blame on. I find it really hard to talk to her about the things that are bothering me; not so much the little things, but the big stuff thats hitting this list. While she knows about my disappointment about not having Sex, and my depression regarding not having kids, I don't think I've ever been able to convince her of the depth of my despair, not that I haven't tried. I don't know if I'm just THAT bad at giving criticism, if the Vaginismus propaganda from places like http://www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org/men_reactions.html have managed to distort (correct?) my view, or if she truly is as unreceptive to my concerns as she seems. I remember a few months prior to our wedding, I was having some serious, SERIOUS doubts, and when I tried to bring them up to her, she just dismissed the conversation completely. Go figure, the doubts never went away. Of course, some other things I just refuse to talk about. My wish that I had played the field, for example, and especially my lingering feelings for that other woman (who, by the way, is to this day my closest friend and confidant, though I'm careful not to tell HER about those feelings, either). And while we also don't fight with each other, I feel like at least if we were fighting all the time, there would be SOME sort of communication, even if it wasn't terribly productive or rewarding.
Finally, three little words that so many of us take for granted, I take almost as a challenge these days. Whenever my wife tells me "I love you", it feels like a challenge more than a proclamation, like "dammit, you had better say it back." I used to just return the statement as a matter of reflex, as I'm sure many of us do, but lately, I've actually been having to think about those words, and consider whether to return them. And honestly, sometimes I don't say it back, though so far only at times that one could reasonably assume I didn't hear them.
You know what, I guess not being able to have children isn't the biggest problem after all. The "I love you" issue is. Because it begs the obvious question, DO I love her? I mean, I'm pretty sure I love her as a friend, but I love the other woman as a friend. Despite our nasty breakup, I even still love my first girfriend as a friend. And I'm comfortable enough in my masculinity to admit that I love some of my guy friends as friends. But do I love her romantically? Did I EVER really love her romantically? Or was I more in love with the fact that someone would actually put up with me than with the person herself?
